


Shit just got real

by reyneofcastemere



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-25
Updated: 2013-04-25
Packaged: 2017-12-09 11:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/773739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reyneofcastemere/pseuds/reyneofcastemere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>crack fic, utter crack fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shit just got real

This Shit just got real

Warning: This is a crack fic all characters belong to JK Rowling and a all merely twisted to suit my own warped imagination.

 

Oliver Wood had always been rather sensitive when it came to his favourite sport (and the pure reason for his continued existance) of Quiddich and thus over the years he had had a number of interesting reactions when it had come to matches being cancelled, star players being without brooms and the need to resort to violence to win the match. Consequently when Oliver Wood saw the utter destruction of the Hogwarts Quiddich Pitch on May 1st 1998 at 10.30 pm something went slightly wrong in his train of rational thought. Oliver Wood age 22 saw red as the flames got higher arround the Gryffindor supporters stand and reverted to a state of pure anger and aggression. Raising his wand he charged through Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry accidently shoving Harry Potter off the top of the spiral staircase and as he ran into the forbidden forest accidently kicked Nagini the snake into the path of Grawp the half giant as he ran. Lord Voldemort looked up in amazment as the burly keeper ran at him yelling "This Shit just got real" and Avada Kedavrad the Dark Lord. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy stood, both pale and tired looking in amazment that the Dark Lord, in utter defiance of everything that Voldemort, Dumbledore and Trewlany had ever said and had been killed by the former Quiddich captain rather than the boy-who-lived. 

Back up at the Castle the imperious curse broke on Bellatrix Lestrange and She blinked before quickly realizing that she had been attempting to kill her own niece turning faster than a snich she stunned Antonin Dolohov just before he was about to kill Remus Lupin. Tonks looked puzzled at her aunt as she ran into Remus Lupin's arms sobbing about being forced to kill her own cousin and how much she had missed him. The werewolf nervously chewed his upper lip before saying in a shaky voice "Dora love, if I said that you were the second black woman I had fallen in love with would you believe me?" Tonks rolled her eyes, "You talk about her in your sleep of course I believe you". Bellatrix turned with the infamous black smirk on her face "Well my dear niece I don't mind..sharing" as she walked her fingers up Remus' chest. Remus whose eyes were now utterly amber with lust nodded frantically and moaned as both women started the proccess of....repopulating the wizarding world with metamorphigi. When they were all exhausted and Remus was lying on the Slytherin House table with two beautiful women snuggled into him he muttered "I wonder what Sirius would say if he could see me now". In a flash of light that signified the obsession of fangirls with the ex-black heir, Sirius Black, dressed in black leather trousers and nothing else, appeared in the middle of the great hall, "Remus you jammy git!" Remus grinned sardonically at his best friend and said "Welcome back Padfoot"

 

Ron and Hermione Granger were of course relieved that none of the Weasley family had been killed but were of course devestated when they saw their best friend's body lying crumpled at the bottom of the staircase were astonised upon inspection of the bathroom on the second floor to discover a ghostly Harry Potter taking Moaning Myrtle up on her offer of sharing her toilet and were demonstrating that ghosts aren't transparent to other ghosts.

 

Thus in conclusion the wizarding world was as peaceful as it had ever been....  
Severus Snape had immidietly apparated from the grounds and was found dead spread over the Lily Potter's grave.  
The Malfoy's were given community service in the Hogwarts Kitchens and were forced to donate large amounts of money to the Dobby memorial fund.  
Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood continued on their JKR approved lives.  
Ginny Weasley married Dean Thomas and discovered on their wedding day that Dean was Regulus Black's illegitmate son and were therefore given Grimmauld Place as a wedding present from Sirius with the words "I don't want it, help yourselves".  
Ron and Hermione married and had five children in an effort to compensate for their transparent best friend and named them "Albus Alastor, Fabian James, Gideon Dobby, Gellert Rufus and Charity Lily, all five spent the majority of their lives critizing their parents taste and eventually sued their parents for cruelty.  
Harry and Myrtle set up a support group for their fellow ghosts and succedding in getting Helena and the bloody baron together and used the spirit division at the ministry of magic to sue the headless hunt into allowing Nick to join.  
Sirius succeed inconvincing Madam Rosmerta to marry him and had one son who was named Regulus James and was the mastermind in getting the The Hobgoblins back together.  
Remus, Bellatrix and Tonks totally ignored Andromeda's protests and continued to live in polyamorus harmony. They had far too many children and lived to a very great age, although attributing their longevity to love and constant sex.

 

And Finally.....Oliver Wood became a national hero, he became keeper for the Scotland national quiddich team leading them to six consecutive World Cup wins, he aquirred a particular following of Veela..but that's another story.


End file.
